Five Times I Was Really Into The Gym
Like eating healthy, keeping a diary, flossing, or just being a good person, going to the gym on a consistent basis is hard. The initial burst of enthusiasm of getting up before the sunrise and hustling over to work the triceps is easily wiped away by that first early morning torrential thunderstorm. You return back into the arms of your loving, warm bed and remain there. Excuses follow. Habits die. The guilt festers. The body atrophies.
It’s been over a year since I got my swole on. Science says it’s good for you. My body knows that but my brain isn’t so convinced. In years past I have achieved longer sweaty stretches because I tricked my mind through the magic of motivation. I highly recommend it. Here are five prior moments where external forces drove my internal reasoning and made me look buff.
1. My College Roommate Shamed Me
“You’re skinny, dude. You need to beef it up so you can get chicks.” My college freshman roommate was a football tailback in high school and built like a subcompact car. He was also observant. Indeed, I was so skinny I could have slipped through a shower drain and wind up as a light lunch for a sewer alligator. Also: no girlfriend. I could barely bench press the bar and was unable to fully use my arms the next three days. But we went back three times a week for a year. I did beef it up, gaining 15 pounds but didn’t land a girlfriend that first year. Come to think of it, he didn’t either.
Period of Time I Was Really Into The Gym: One Year
2. Naked On Stage
Michael Shannon, Stanley Tucci, Daniel Radcliffe. All great actors. What else do they share in common? They’ve all been nude on stage. When I auditioned for a part in a play, the director looked me in the eye and said, “This role requires nudity. Are you comfortable with that?” At that time in my life, I wanted to be among the greats so I answered yes. But when I got the part, I panicked. Not because I was worried about showing my part (sorry) but because I was still very thin and would be sporting zero clothes on stage in front of at least 99 strangers on any given night. I worked out like never before or since. Sometimes, I went twice a day, all to wow the world into thinking, “Not only is he an amazing actor, he’s ripped.” I never got a mention in a review or an agent or a six-picture deal but, for about two months my abs looked incredible.
Period of Time I Was Really Into The Gym: Eight Weeks
3. My Bathroom Done Blown Up
When you’re young and doing things like appearing naked on stage six shows a week, you’re a busy bee. Small domestic details fall by the wayside, like: “There’s no way that discolored bulge in my bathroom ceiling will cause massive problems.” Sure enough, the damn bulge caved in and my landlord, being the savvy businessman he wasn’t, decided to use his clueless brother-in-law to do the repairs. Bad guesses with the pipes were made and a comedy of errors ensued. I found myself in flip flops showering at the gym at 6 AM prior to going to my day job. At that hour, I was too tired and disgruntled to work out. To add insult to injury, I had to bring my own towel.
Period of Time I Was Really Into The Gym: Two Weeks
4. Flex the Neck For The Wedding Photos
My hat size is 7 and ⅝ inches. Any haberdasher will tell you, that’s a big noggin. Miraculously, it was supported by a pencil-thin neck. As my wedding day neared, I wasn’t content to look like a balloon on a string wearing a Paul Smith suit. Sure, I had tons to do planning the wedding and all, but the neck thing became a tip top priority. I worked the delts exclusively. I used machines that would give chiropractors nightmares. I even made up an exercise that made one woman point and laugh at me. (I stopped doing it immediately and went home.) Whatever I did worked and I can look at pictures of my beautiful wife and me on the happiest day of our lives and think, “My neck looked damn good.” It’s thin again.
Period of Time I Was Really Into The Gym: Four Weeks
5. Maybe I’ll Find a Friend For Life at this Cool Gym
When I first moved to the big city, I was a lonely soul. Then one day, I was walking past a new gym with a brightly-colored banner reading “Change Your Life” and had a deejay spinning Mary J Blige. A deejay? At a gym!? The employees were dancing and looked like they were straight out of “Total Request Live”. Just beyond them in the window were members of the tribe in funky fresh gym clothes hitting the stairmaster. Undoubtedly, this was definitely the place where I’d find THE friend. But inside this bouncy house of a playpen, it was all business. About eight days went by before the one guy I had asked to spot me acknowledged me with a “‘Sup.” Everyone was lost in their headphones and didn’t care to chew the fat. They were too busy working it off. Never went back. Kept the membership for two more years.
Period of Time I Was Really Into The Gym: Nine Days
